The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns