Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd