Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
termite twitter scares me
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No