I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
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FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.