Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
When I snag the last meatball.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Well, shit
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.