My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
You Might Also Like
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.