[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.