My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
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*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.