COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My last name is Zilla.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.