If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
You Might Also Like
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.