In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me, flirting😏
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I’m aging like a fine banana
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Why font matters.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.