People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
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My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
when dads have a rap battle
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture