God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
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Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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