Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Look at this
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
only 11 steps left
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.