Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
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ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃