instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
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Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
😍😂🥰😂😍
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking