A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?