– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
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The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Cause of death: Zumba
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
technically true but not a great slogan
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.