Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.