[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
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inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’d love this…lol
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?