Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
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ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My patronus is a cheeseburger
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Living the best life.. 😊
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.