No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
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Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes