As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
This made me smile…
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today