Who did it better?
You Might Also Like
The future is now.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
technically true but not a great slogan
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.