Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
You Might Also Like
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?