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Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo