YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.