6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein