You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Coffee for people with no kids
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office