[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
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I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
B
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Cool shirt 🙂
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
CRYING
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway