me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
LOL
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”