*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
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I feel seen
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
i want to work in this restaurant
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD