A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
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Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
incredible
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”