*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
That’s incredible! 👌
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go