17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
A friend sent me this.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Fidel Castro was alive?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry