I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Namaste
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.