My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
#Caturday
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
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