I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
You Might Also Like
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!