Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
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Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”