You Might Also Like
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.