Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!