I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
You Might Also Like
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
This meal prepping shit is easy
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.