Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
☺️
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low