If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
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My background check bounced.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.