Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
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Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.