My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
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New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.