Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
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Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.