swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Breaking news:
me irl
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
These are too funny not to post 😂
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today