giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
So glad we cleared that up
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…