*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
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Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]